Here is What is Happening To Me.

I am desperate to make a new record.  I am writing songs, cooking up ideas, humming melodies in my head and calling my phone to record them so I don’t forget. 
But no matter how desperate I am, there is one fact I can’t get away from.  And that fact is that making a record takes money.  Even if you make it in your house, which there is a good chance I’ll do, you need money to mix it, to master it, to promote it, to take pictures for it, all that extra awesome stuff that comes along with it.  And the bottom line is that currently I don’t have any.  Money, that is.  Ain’t it a bitch?  I have tried to ignore it for a while, pretended that I could pull it out of thin air, but truth is truth.  I don’t have any.  So I am working.  I pull together as many part-time jobs as I get offered; I walk dogs, babysit kids, teach piano lessons, teach mommy and me classes.  I will water your mother-effing plants(seriously.  Call me.)

And it’s okay.  You have to work for what you want. 

I just a read a book by Pema Chodron, who stuck this quote to the wall above her desk and looked at it every day: “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”  After almost ten years of working at this career, here is what is indestructible in me:  my desire.  My desire always comes back.  Even after I’ve let it lay low and deep inside me for months, there is always a tiny piece of it lurking somewhere, singing songs, thinking about shows, working on words.  Despite the fact that I’ve been annihilated over and over, despite the fact that attempting a career in music is like banging your head against the wall, I keep coming back.  I keep wanting to come back.  It’s what I am.

So I’m going to make a record.  As Ani Di Franco says: “a record of an event/the event of people playing music in a room.”    And I will keep at it until I have something beautiful and hopeful and dirty and raw and all for you to hear.

In the meantime, I have started this blog.  And shit's about to get crazy!  I know it looks super boring on here right now, but soon it will dazzle you.  Until then, just read me.